Alone, my soul in silence waits

Beartown to Boiling Springs April 2021

Spring has always been retreat time for me. Eastertide is a great time to cut away for a few days and to reflect as we bask in the new assurance of eternal life and watch the earth unfold into greenness after the grey winter. I usually go to a retreat house. But- Covid. I’ve been reading lot about hiking, and last summer we bought a bunch of new equipment and did some backpacking and… it felt right to plan a hiking retreat for this year: 5 days, 4 nights on my favorite trail of all times, the Appalachian Trail. (If you are new to the AT, it is a 2,190 mile path from Springer Mountain, Georgia to Mt. Katahdin in Maine. I have had a 35-year dream of thru hiking it- a feat that more than 4,000 people attempt each year, but fewer than 1,000 complete. To learn more about the AT, check out appalachiantrail.org)

It was clear to me that this would be a solo hike. Retreats for me are usually solo ventures. I was afraid to camp alone in the woods and had only recently become less fearful about hiking alone in the daytime (see the first post on this blog to learn more about that) and so I knew that this would a time with plenty of challenge ahead- physical, mental, spiritual. Right up my alley.

I liked the idea of starting in Maryland (or close to it) and “walking home.” The portion of the AT from Beartown (home of our Calvary Chapel) to Boiling Springs offers a lot of varied terrain: pastures, wooded forest, pine stands, impressive rock formations, mountain vistas, and more than a couple of gaps. The trail offers shelters every 8-12 miles and so there was a place for stopping each night that offered the potential for some company, a privy, and a fire ring.

There is much to offer as means of a report:

I could write about my gear- 37# that included a tent, “sleep system,” “cook system,” water filter, food, maps, GPS device, a change of clothes and 2 “luxury items” (a tiny notebook and my crochet project that I’m working on in small pieces for my upcoming granddaughter).

I could write about the AT culture- a supportive and mostly safe group of people who have been drawn to the trail to work something out. The AT community (people form “tramilies” that they hike with along the way) is made up of a varied sort- old, young, athletic, out-of-shape, men, women, the occasional dog, hippies, college professors, preachers, truck drivers, librarians, doctors, and recent college graduates without jobs. People assume “trail names” that allow them to take on an identity that either defines them or that is aspirational. Examples: “Snow White,” “Freestyle,” “Wanderer,” “Stardust,” “Rock.” Most trail names are “given” by one hiker to another, and some people choose their own. Apparently, you just know when you have gotten it. (I’m still waiting for mine.) There are also some weirdos on the trail. I met two. They had found each other and were hiking together- in all black. He wore head phones and talked on his iPhone most of the time. He punctuated his breaks by drawing out his pipe and smoking dope. She was full of questions [How much does your pack weigh? What kind of boots are those? How many pair of socks do you have? Can I share your campsite (answer: “no.”)] and I was polite but kept my distance.

I could write about what I ate (mostly organic paleo dehydrated meals, dried fruit, trail mix, oatmeal with almond butter and dried blueberries, and foil packets of tuna) and how I planned my days (get up at sunrise, make breakfast in the tent, break down camp and be on the trail by 7:30), and how my plans changed (I extended each day by several miles shortening up the trip so that the final day was 4 miles, not 12), and about some of the people that I met (“Big Wooly on the Trail,” a serene guy in his late 50s with a long white beard and long white ponytail who just took his time and let the trail tell him how far to go each day; “Wanderer,” a 62 year old fella hiking with 4 young men including his son and son-in-law. “Wanderer” came over to introduce himself to me at my camp site and told me “not to worry, ” that his group was not going to bother me- there were ” two preachers among them.” (Methodist and Baptist). I told him that “I was a preacher, too,” and he looked a little surprised. He finished our exchange by saying that “If I needed anything in the middle of the night,” to “come on over.” It was a kind offer that both comforted me and annoyed me. Finally, there was a guy named “Fillin’ In” who camped with me on the last night in a clearing down near a babbling brook in a desolate holler. I was grateful for the company. “Fillin In” was hiking to Maine, having started in WVA, chipping away at his 35 year-old dream of hiking the AT. He’d had a busy and successful career as an architect and was now getting around to “filling in” the sections that he had not completed when he started hiking in 1979 but then quit for a plumb job. We enjoyed each other’s company, swapping gear tips and strategies and various details- (it’s funny what you tell people whom you’ve known for one day and will never likely see again.)

But here’s what I want to write about- how the trail “worked on me.” It was a retreat, after all- not just a hiking trip.

I didn’t have a fully thought out plan for my reflection before going. I thought that I might pray the psalms. (I have a BCP app on my phone). I thought that I might choose a “theme:” (creation, awakening, resurrection, etc.) but I couldn’t settle on one. I thought that I’d pray the Morning Office with Dean Robert (canterbury-cathedral.org) but that plan was thwarted when my cell phone signal was spotty on Days 3 and 4. And so, I just let it come.

What evolved was enlightening. I wrestled with my innate drive to do hard things. I despaired at my pace up the hills. I was surprised at my lack of fear in both hiking (I’ve stopped looking over my shoulder every few minutes) and at camping alone. The first night I was completely alone in a holler campsite with not a soul in the shelter .3 miles up the hill. Around 1 AM a helicopter started circling the mountain and continued for more than an hour. They must have been searching for someone. It freaked me out a little, but, really- what can you do? At 1 AM I was not going to pack up and start hiking, and so I slid down further into my sleeping bag and eventually fell asleep again. I found that my drive to “get to the next place” was so strong- too strong- and I had to snap myself out of it and focus on the beauty of the moment. It really was a beautiful hike. I gloried in the rain on a 79 degree day. I gloried in the downhills. I gloried in the path when it was rock-free (an infrequent event), and I gloried in the breezes when they came.

I saw no bears or rattlesnakes. (my two wildlife anxieties.)

I did not use my emergency whistle or my GPS SOS alarm.

I made one foolish error that was a good teacher: on the 4th day the plan was to hike an easy 7.3 miles to a shelter and spend the night. But I arrived at the shelter before noon, it was pouring, and desolate. (The shelters bring out a deep loneliness in me- not sure why). The only option was to press on another 8 miles to the next shelter. I knew that part of the hike and it was rough. It included 2 major “rock scrambles” climbing over boulders that are two-stories high and some that include taking one’s pack off and tossing it down ahead of you, or hoisting oneself up a chest high crevice to the next part of the path. I couldn’t hoist my heavy pack over my head and so I attempted a detour “off trail” around the boulder formation. So stupid. It was raining. The rocks were slippery. I put my foot on the leaves instead of the slippery rocks, and my boot sunk up to my thigh. I held onto saplings as I tried to traverse the steep hillside and navigate to the bottom of the gap. It was scary. The only way out was up, back to the rock maze. I climbed from sapling to sapling, too scared to cry. Obviously, I made it. I scraped my leg. I was shaking when I got back to the trail. I told a friend that it was “traumatic.” Yup. Lesson: Stay on the trail. Don’t hike hard spots when you are 13 miles in to a 15 mile hike on a wet day. Know your limits. Don’t be a fool.

I was really lonely. I waver between considering myself an extrovert and an introvert- and this kind of adventure makes me realize how much I need and love people.

Each day, the Spirit delivered a different hymn for me to carry in my head as an “ear worm” to move me along the trail. Honestly- I didn’t choose them, they chose me. They were:
“There’s a Wideness in God’s Mercy” ( St. Helena, Hampton), “For all the Saints” (Sine Nomine), “O Praise Ye the Lord” (Laudate Dominum), “Fairest Lord Jesus” (St. Elizabeth) and “When Morning Gilds the Skies.” (Laudes Domini)

I felt very “held” in the power of God. Not in a “go-do-something-stupid-like-go-‘off-trail,’ God’s-‘got-you,’ ” kind of way but just in a general sense that there was a deep peace, a “cleanness” and a “clearness” when I was able to push aside all of the “shoulds” and drives and expectations that I had for myself. “For God alone my soul in silence waits” (Psalm 62: 1a) will deliver God every time- but you have to get the stuff out of your own head first, to get to the silence. When you do get there, it is sweet- pure- embracing. I was able to see that a few times on this retreat.

So. One story to finish. (If you’ve hung in this long.) On Day 4 I was hiking in the early part of the afternoon. It was not long after I’d made the decision to press on from the early stop after 7. 3 miles and to add on 8 miles to get to the next shelter. I was a little fearful about having made that decision and hoping that it was not the wrong choice. I had just completed a mile long uphill that required me to stop every 25 yards for a few moments’ rest. I was feeling defeated, anxious and it was raining. I came to a clearing in the path and there was a road crossing. I saw a car pulled over on the side of the road and, up on the path across the road where the AT continued, was a woman about my age walking very slowly up the trail, looking down. I heard her husband call from the car, “OK. Come back now.” She continued walking very slowly up the trail. I took the opportunity to have some water and watch the story unfold. “Come back,” he called. She just sauntered. I finished my water and crossed over the road towards her. She looked like she was looking for something like a lost watch or earring or something. As I neared her, I asked if I could help her find what she was searching for. “Oh, no,” she said. “I have always wanted to walk on the Appalachian Trail. It has been my dream. And we were just driving here and I saw it and made my husband stop. I’d love to hike it but I’m not ‘trained enough.’ And so I just wanted to walk a few steps today, just to fulfill my dream.” That was it. I smiled. She smiled. And I went on up the hill.

I don’t know if I’ve got what it takes to be a thru hiker. I sure don’t want to do it alone. But I am grateful for what I got to do this past week. There is a (corny) saying that “the trail will teach you.” Indeed. Corny, and true.

Published by audreycadyscanlan

mother. wife. bishop. priest. hiker. cook. aspiring writer.

5 thoughts on “Alone, my soul in silence waits

  1. A wonderful piece. Thank you for putting this together.

    I’m curious – at what point did you feel like you were “on retreat?” At the outset? after breakfast on the second day? or later? How long does it take you generally to reach that moment when you seek to take a retreat?

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    1. Hi Thom. There are a couple of layers to this answer, I guess. In some ways, as soon as I left the house on Monday morning it felt like a retreat- because it wasn’t my job… work. It was, of course, a different kind of “work”- grueling in some spots- but that really helped to disconnect my mind from the usual things that I think about. So, immediately. When did I get the “connection with God” piece that we all long for on retreat (or any other time?)- well, in flashes. And, as I said, much of that came when I was able to quiet myself down a little bit and put my own agenda (like hitting the next mountain peak in the next half hour) aside. Man, we are complicated creatures, aren’t we? Other retreats that I usually go on (at SSJE) are built around the Hours and reflecting on periods of spiritual direction throughout the retreat. This retreat had its own structure: Wake. Eat. Pack up. Hike. Eat. Hike. Set up Camp. Eat. Sleep. Hike. Repeat. so there was a rhythm to it that if I had stayed out more than 5 days, I would have found pretty cool, I think.

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  2. *gasp*
    That was so lovely to read. You are a courageous retreater and a lovely writer. Thanks for sharing. I am working on not rushing thru experiences too. And your “sleep system“, etc. made me giggle. I am still struggling with the office “phone solution” we have with AT&T. Can’t talk about it without the quotation marks. Anyways, I would give anything for an afternoon or weekend of conversation together.
    Love you. Congratulations.

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