The Little Colonel

My grandmother Alice Elizabeth Manson was born on Dec. 26, 1898, in Williamsport, Pennsylvania.  Her father, Frederick E. Manson, originally from Searsmont, Maine, had moved with his bride, Alma Millay from Bowdoinham, Maine, to Williamsport, Pennsylvania to take a job as the Managing Editor of Grit, an agricultural newspaper catering to an audience of farmers and homesteaders.  (Grit:  “rural American know-how.”)

My grandmother Alice, on the far right, her sister Frances on the left,
and their mother, Alma Millay Manson, center

My grandmother had one full sibling, Frances Viola.  Their mother, Alma, was of fragile health and died in 1907 after a series of strokes, when my grandmother was nine.  Frederic E. later married Catherine Rentz and, together, they had three daughters:  Helen, Catherine Jane, and Ann Pattee, and so there was a household of five daughters.

Among the toys and games of these five young girls was a series of books that, 60 years later, came into my possession.  The Little Colonel was a series of books by Annie Fellows Johnston that chronicled the life and times of a young girl in Kentucky whose grandfather, Colonel Lloyd, was a plantation owner and Civil war veteran, having lost “his only son and his strong right arm to the Southern cause… thirty years earlier.” (The Little Colonel, pg. 6, LC Page and Company, Boston, 1906). This places the setting of the early Little Colonel volumes at about 1895.  The series- 15 books in all- was published between 1896-1914.  Also included with the series was a book of paper dolls so readers could act out some of their favorite scenes and continue the story of the various characters in the books.  I loved reading these stories in the musty, yellowed volumes: Some of my favorite titles were “The Little Colonel’s House Party” (in which she gets to have a group of friends stay with her for weeks on end at the plantation), “The Little Colonel’s Holidays,” and “The Little Colonel at Boarding School.”  So popular were these stories that they were turned in to a movie starring Shirley Temple (as the Little Colonel, of course,) in 1935.

Among the characters in The Little Colonel were a black housekeeper, Mom Beck, who lived with the Little Colonel and her mother, the (Sr.) Colonel’s “body-servant” Walker, who lived on the plantation, and May Lilly, a young servant child, about the same age as the Little Colonel.

May Lilly

The books are a period piece that describe life in the time of Post-Reconstruction South. 

On a recent trip to Gettysburg, I was reminded that the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863 only applied to slaves in Confederate states.  (The irony that I am writing this essay on Juneteenth, the day in which we commemorate the news of emancipation reaching Texas in 1865 is not lost on me…). The enslaved who lived in the border states of New Jersey, Kentucky (the setting of The Little Colonel) and Delaware had to wait for the passing of the 13th Amendment in December 1865 to win their freedom.  And even then, some People of Color were still subjected to involuntary labor under the Black Codes which compelled them to work for lesser- or no- wages.

I don’t know what the situation was for Colonel Lloyd’s help on the plantation “Locust,” or for Mom Beck, the loving nanny and housekeeper who cared for the Little Colonel in her house in the village; the relationships between the white folk and their black help seemed courteous and respectful in the books, but friends, any writing that normalizes a stereotype of the “big black mammy” (Mom Beck), or the little black playmate (May Lilly) as a “plantation urchin” in bare feet and an outgrown frock, or a deferential manservant (Walker), or that uses the term “darkies” repeatedly and mentions “low -flung n—–s” is not good with me. Not good at all.

A few weeks ago, I burned an old broken paint box that belonged to my father in the backyard oil drum that we use as a burning bin.  My father died when I was a toddler and I’d been holding on to some artifacts of his that gave me a thin thread of connection.  But in cleaning out my basement and engaging a summer of “downsizing,” I decided that this broken box (a wooden briefcase of sorts) was beyond repair and that it had to go.  I gave it a proper ending by burning it, rather than adding it to the week’s garbage bin along with the coffee grounds, banana peels and chicken bones.  It made me feel good- lighter- to be free of this item that I’ve been dragging around with me for the past few decades from house to house… but also very sad.

I think that I’m going to take my Little Colonel volumes to the bin and destroy them in the same manner.

Book burning- book banning, for sure- has been a big topic of late as school districts and municipal leadership around our country are debating what is and is not appropriate material for our children to read.  Books featuring families with same-gendered parents, or children who are questioning their sexual identity, or stories of transgendered individuals are being pulled from library shelves for their “inappropriate” content.  I consider The Little Colonel, period piece though it may be, to be inappropriate.  So, why is it alright to destroy this collection of writing while arguing against the removal of other writing?  In my mind, it is clear:  the literature that I want to have available to our young readers should be inclusive, loving, respecting the dignity of all people, and not portraying one strata of humankind as better than another.  The Little Colonel, even with its docile portrayal of black servitude, fails that test.  To the bin it goes.

 I do not want my granddaughters- or grandsons- to read The Little Colonel.  I do not want them to see this division of humankind into strata, this cartoon of benign servitude drawn across racial lines to seem acceptable.  I know that there are those who could argue that sheltering children against the reality of our society in which social strata is alive and well is ridiculous, but the not-so-subtle visual that all of the help in The Little Colonel are People of Color and all of the “employers” are rich white folk is not what I want to add to my grandchildren’s formation. The subjugation of People of Color is not something that I want to promote in the handing down of antique literature.  Paper dolls are, of course, a charming old idea, but my grandson seems to be making out fine with his action figures.  And, on inspection, as I laid out the paper dolls on the dining room table last night for one last look, I discovered that May Lilly had only the knickers she was dressed in.  Everyone else had many outfits. I guess May Lilly was supposed to wear hand-me-downs.

Juneteenth, 2023.

Never Quit on a Bad Day

But, why not?

Yesterday I challenged the hiker’s maxim “Never quit on a bad day,” and I came home just a day and a half into a five-day section hike of the AT in Pennsylvania.  I’m working on filling in a long, vertical wall map of the AT with all my section hikes (it’s like a giant “connect the dots exercise”) and I had hoped to knock out a portion of my home state this week while I continue my sabbatical journey of hiking and writing.

The hike started out a little tenuous (pun intended) as I‘ve been nursing some tendinitis in my right foot for a while.  Usually, a morning dose of ibuprofen and some gentle moving around gets me limbered up and feeling fine, but I was wondering if it might be a problem on a several-days’ journey.  

My shuttle driver (a.k.a. my husband) got up early and dropped me off at the trail head about an hour from our home at Clark’s Creek (Mile 1167.6, Nobo).  I both love and fear hiking alone in the woods in the early morning; I’ve convinced myself that if I were to meet a bear on the trail it would be then, as the light filters down through the trees and the mist makes it look like a primordial forest… but… no bears on this morning.  The climb up the first mountain to the ridge was long but not strenuous, and I felt fine.  I met one hiker on his way down- an older, local guy out for his “morning constitutional”- who assured me that other than a lack of water due to a month with no rain, all was well on the trail. I was reminded of my husband’s comment, “My only worry is that there might be little water…”. If you are reading this and planning on heading out to this section soon, please check into the water situation on Far Out.  It wasn’t super grim, but it wasn’t great, either.

Traversing the ridge of Stony Mountain towards Second Mountain was beautiful:  there were fields of ferns, the ruins of an old coal mining town to explore at Yellow Springs (the name is indicative of the yellowy-orange, highly acidic -and not potable, even when filtered- tinted water that runs in small streams in this section), a leafy canopy of leaves keeping things cool, chipmunks, butterflies, a white tailed deer, and some sweet camping spots along the way in stands of pines to take a break.  I made it to the shelter (Rausch Gap Shelter 11.3 miles) in good time, arriving around 3:30.

I was happy to meet two other hikers coming down the .3 mile blue blazed trail to the shelter not long after I arrived; my least favorite part of backpacking is, still, camping alone.  These two hikers, Fearless and Hero, are a story all their own- check out their inspirational website http://www.FearsomeIs.org that describes their mission to raise money for MS.     We shared dinner together and, after making camp, including my many comical attempts at tossing my bear hang over a too-high branch (I got it on toss #8), I crawled into my tent to read the latest edition of The Sun (yes, I carried a small magazine as a “luxury item”) while they made a small fire and relaxed, chatting, as the sun slipped behind the hill.

I didn’t sleep well at all.  Something- Deer? Racoon? Porcupine?- was shuffling around my tent between 1- 2 AM.  I was wary of turning on my headlamp to scare it away in case it was a porcupine; I wanted to remain quill-free.  I had also learned earlier in the day- in the brief moment that I had a cell signal and could check messages- of the diagnosis of a friend’s serious illness, and so I was tossing and turning, worrying about him and his family.  It was, just one of those long, bad nights. I was relieved to hear the birds at 4:45 AM and I moved about quietly, releasing my bag from the hang, making some tea, and artfully spilling oatmeal in my tent. It was chilly and I was glad to have brought my puffy along, even though the daytime temps were promising to be in the high 80s. I swallowed three ibuprofen before stuffing my sore foot in my boot.

We broke camp and the three of us headed north to our first obstacle of the day: The Rausch Creek Beaver Dam.  This creek has been dammed since 2016, the AT guide tells us, and while it is possible to make it across, it requires patience and balance to find solid, dry footing on half-submerged, rolling logs.  I’m not good at estimating distances, but I’d say that the crossing was not quite .2 miles.  Put it this way: from one end of the dam standing on solid ground, you could just make out the white blaze on the tree on the other side of the dam. In between were tall grasses, algae covered water, dead trees standing like sentries, mossy logs, and a few well-placed fallen trees.  We stood surveying the marsh and listened to the bullfrogs.   The first big obstacle in the crossing was at about 30 feet.  Stepping gingerly on small logs and branches, I made it through the wetlands to a massive fallen tree which seemed to be the best path the carry us along for another 25 feet or so.  The trick, though, was getting up onto the log which, as it lay, was about chest-high on me.  The broken trunk of the tree was close enough that you could get a foothold on it and then, using core strength and your arms, lift yourself up to a crouched position on the higher log, but… that’s a big if when you are 64 years old, have little core strength, are bearing an unwieldy 29# pack and are mildly afraid of heights.  I backed off this idea from my straddled position between trunk and log, and let my companions have a go at it.  Fearless hopped right up and walked the damned thing like a ballerina!  Hero was next, and he, too, got up on the log and made his way along towards the rest of the navigation across the marsh.  In awe, I took their picture, waved goodbye, and then retreated, back .5 miles to the 1.6 mile detour along a gravel road and up the other side of the mountain on a logging trail. 

 Here’s the conversation that I had as I walked (imagine those two iconic figures, Devil and Angel, on either of my shoulders):

Devil:  Man, that was a bummer.  You didn’t do it. You chickened out.

Me:      I know, I feel bad.

Devil:  Well, it’s because you’re old, ya know.  

Devil:   And fat.

Devil:  And out of shape.

Me:      Yeah, I know.  What kind of hiker am I?  What a fake.

Devil:  Yup.

Silence

Angel:  ahem.

Angel:  AHEM.

Angel:   Hey, over here.

Me:      What?  I’m feeling sorry for myself. Don’t interrupt.

Devil:    Yeah, scram!  Let her stew.

Angel:  Let’s just… reframe what happened back there.

Devi:    Shh. Go away.

Me:      ???  reframe?

Angel:  Yeah.  How about being a little nicer to yourself for a change?

Me:      I couldn’t do it. I chickened out.

Angel:  But think of it this way, maybe:  You might have made a wise choice.

Devil:  Yeah, and now, you get to walk an extra 2 miles on an already long day. And you wasted a half hour thinking about how to get across that dam.  Loser.

Angel: Excuse me.

Angel:  See, I think you were smart.  It’s not about what you couldn’t do, as much as how you considered the options and made the best choice – for you.

Me:      Go on…

Angel:  Sure, you might feel unhappy about your current physical conditioning …

Devil:   (or lack thereof) …

Angel: …but you weren’t going to suddenly become a fit triathlete in that moment and so you took stock and considered the options and the consequences of what could have happened if you fell off that log…

Devil:   Oh let me name them! The consequences!  That’s right in my wheelhouse!  Sodden backpack!  Algae covered clothes!  Possibly a scraped shin in dirty water.. or a broken arm!  Trying to get evacuated in the middle of nowhere! The loss of your cellphone in the muck!  Shall I go on?!?

Me:      (shuddering)

Angel:  Thank you, Devil, that’s quite right.  It could have been bad.  And so, you made a wise choice. The right choice. For you.

Me:      OK.  I feel a little better?  Or, at least, you’ve kept me entertained until the end of this long, hot, gravel road.

(end scene).

At the top of the logging road was a sign for me: Fearless and Hero had written my trail name, “Maple” in sticks at the point where the logging road met the AT and the detour ended.  It was a  sign for me that they had made it unscathed, but also a note of encouragement for me to carry on.  It was a nice, small gesture.

I met up again with Fearless and Hero further down the trail, but by this point, 5 miles into my day, I had a feeling that things were not going to improve for my poor foot. In addition to the tendinitis making itself known, loud and clear, that it didn’t like what I was doing, I had also developed- for the first time in my life- a long blister on my heel on the same foot.  C’mon.  I had just put new insoles into my boots.  (For purposes of brevity, I won’t go into the long, sad tale of my misshapen feet and the problem that I have finding shoes and boots to fit me. Let’s just say that it’s close to impossible.)

And the water- of lack thereof- that was becoming a little scary.  The next water stop according to AWOL’s AT guide, was about 4 miles ahead- a seasonal stream- and, on the Far Out app, after that, it was another 8 miles to the spring at the shelter.  Considering the number of dry creek beds I’d been crossing, I couldn’t count on the stream up ahead and wanted to arrive at the shelter with water in my kit just in case that was dry, too. And, I still had miles to go.

Interlude to check on mental processing:  

Was this anxious worrying about water reasonable, or, was it, maybe, a little over the top? I dunno.

I was hiking solo. (Fearless and Hero were getting off after 6 miles for a B&B)

It was hot.  86 degrees.

I wasn’t sure of the terrain up ahead, except that it included climbing another mountain to get to my shelter.

End of interlude. Come to your own conclusion about my mental acuity.

I made it to the seasonal stream.  There was enough water to fill up my Cnoc bag to fill my 2, 1 liter bottles. And then, as I climbed a small ascent before a road crossing, I had a little talk with myself.  No  Devil or Angel this time, just me:

Me:      Look. Your foot is screaming.  It’s super hot.  You are solo hiking and about to climb another mountain and you’re worn out already.  You added 2 miles to an already long day with that detour. Sure, you have water, but I know you: you will ration your drinking it to make sure that when you get to the shelter that you have at least a liter left to get you through the evening if the water up there is no good. Am I right? (Why hasn’t anyone posted on Far Out about the water situation at the next shelter?  Darn.).  You could go home this afternoon and come back another time.  Isn’t the point to have fun?  Or, at least, to hike safely?  And, maybe you’re not unsafe (and fun is relative, isn’t it?), but this level of anxiety- is the way that you want to spend the next few days?

Me:      If, at the next road crossing there is a cell signal, I’ll see if I can get an Uber.  If I can, I’ll go home.  No shame.

I made it .5 miles to the road crossing.  I had a signal.  There was an Uber.

Pablo came in his red Ford Fiesta and brought me home. I tried, in my best broken Spanish, to  explain to him why I love hiking.  

Next day:  foot is super sore.  I think I did the right thing.  I still love hiking.

#

2 June 2023

If you are keeping track…

Well, God bless you.

I recently re-read a bunch of entries on my blog and realized what a marvelous tool a blog can be for the self-absorbed ! Like, who really cares about my digestion and dietary habits? Who is staying awake at night wondering if I’ve had my first Big Mac of 2023 in post-Vegan life? Honestly, it’s all a little insufferable. But, I feel like I owe at least a coda to my Vegan Experiment of 2022 and the teaser about new projects for 2023. And, maybe a promise for the future not to wax on about things of such little significance while war is raging in Ukraine, mudslides are threatening lives in California, and the political state of our country remains fraught.

But, here goes, for those of you on the edge of your seats. (all one or two of you, lol)

I’m easing out of a strict plant-based diet and into a more generous, less disciplined pattern that has me actually, more in-tune with what I’m craving, how I’m feeling and what I want to cook. I’ve really missed the variety that a broader diet allows (I would love to go an entire week without having to eat a chick pea love them through I do,) and the winter has some great opportunities for stews, one pot meals, etc. that are not necessarily vegan.

Interestingly enough, as I emerge from the strictness of a plant-based regime, I am re-focusing on the “why” of my past year of veganism and believe that some of that why will reengage me in a vegetarian style of eating. Climate change. Industrial farming. Water usage. These are some of the environmental reasons that I’d like to stick with plant-based eating. Better health markers (cholesterol, blood pressure, smooth flowing arteries) are another reason. I haven’t had any blood work to see how I’ve emerged from this year so I’m not sure if I am “healthier” or not, but I have learned that it’s just as easy to gain weight being a vegan as it is as an omnivore.

No, I didn’t dive into a vat of ice cream or belly on up to the counter at McDonald’s on January 1st. In fact, so far, I’ve only added a couple of meals featuring fish (baked salmon, fish tacos with cod) and some dairy (a little cheddar cheese, real milk on my oatmeal) into my diet in the past 10 days. Other than that, it’s been vegan business as usual. I did buy a wedge of parmesan reggiano to enjoy with some ripe pears, walnuts and arugula later in the week and I’ve had a craving for brisket… but so far, it’s been a gentle slide into the land of carnivorous activity.

My sister sent me an article from The NY Times about a trend called the “Social Omnivore.” The general idea was that there are many who are eating plant-based diets at home but relaxing when out with friends in order to be less of a pain to those who are cooking for them. I have found, in my odd professional calling, the opposite: last weekend (first weekend of non-vegan diet) the parish that I visited went out of their way to prepare three different dishes for me at a luncheon that I could eat (they had this secret stash of soba noodles with mushrooms, quinoa salad, and greek salad with vegan feta in the rectory kitchen) and I was so touched that they wanted to accommodate me! And, wow, was it good! So, I ate heartily and left the charcuterie board and sheet cake and breakfast casserole to the rest of them! I never formally told “the diocese” that I was a vegan and so I don’t feel like I need to offer a formal retraction, now. Truth is, I will eat pretty much anything that has been lovingly prepared for me.

Plans for 2023

Some people pick words for the new year. If I did, mine might be “minimalism,” or “decluttering” or dostandning (Swedish “death cleaning.” See the book by Margareta Magnusson, 2017). No, I’m not dying (not today, anyway, or tomorrow either, I hope), but it is time to give up the boxes and boxes of things that I don’t need anymore. I’ve written about this before. This year I am going to do it. One box, one room, one thing at a time.

I’ve been following some Minimalists on blogs and YouTube and their uncluttered lifestyles are interesting to me. I love my stuff. A bud vase my mom bought for me. A pottery dish my daughter made years ago. A cast iron Green Man that oversees life in our living room. But sorting through the stuff that I don’t need will allow me to more fully appreciate the things that I will choose to keep. That’s the idea, at least. One minimalist whom I follow made a list of everything that she got rid of and everything that she brought into her home during 2022. She ended up on the down-side of having given away more than she brought in. She’s into her eighth year of minimalism so her “on the way out of the house” list was shorter than my 2023 list will be. I do intend of keeping a list of my purchases, though, of non-consumables to see what will end up in the house and what I might resist. So far, in the first 10 days of this year I’ve added a new pair of trail runners (those might be considered consumables), a plastic mat for the bathtub, and a journal. Just knowing that I’m going to write it down has shifted my usual consumerist approach.

I’m building a tiny micro-cabin/hermitage in the back woods. (Actually, a friend is building it: http://www.stevessupersheds.com ) and I am looking forward to having this space to spend time to write, read, pray, do some stretching… This tiny place will be a refuge of sorts during my upcoming sabbatical and I am looking forward to the simplicity that a small space with no electricity (or wifi) will afford me. More on that, if you can stand it, as 2023 unfolds.

So- minimalism.

lessons in a tent

what I learned by spending at least one night per month outside in 2022

24 December 2022

As I write this, we are experienced a weird winter storm in which the wind is whipping, power is out in many communities, and the temperatures have plummeted to single digits from their almost 50 degree high two days ago. We are working with the Emergency and Disaster Coordinator for the diocese to open churches as warming centers. I am so grateful to several of our churches who have responded with generosity and kindness. This is the night in which we will gather to hear the story of Mary and Joseph who found no lodging in the inn and spent their night in the stable as the Light of the World was born.

And so, it feels a little bit uncomfortable to wax on about my adventures of sleeping outside without acknowledging my privilege and the fact that many people have no agency in making choices about the place where they will sleep each night.

Years ago- almost 20 years ago- I started an Overflow Shelter in Torrington Connecticut. The church where I was working at the time had lots and lots of room (we had both an “Upper” and a “Lower” parish hall) and I worked with ecumenical partners and the shelter in town to develop a program where people could have a safe and warm place to sleep on the coldest nights when the shelter was full. I learned so much about collaboration and the structure of other faith communities, about recruiting and empowering volunteers, about boundaries and fund raising and compassion and kindness. The various churches involved in the project took turns hosting the shelter in the winter months and we cared for many people, winter in and winter out. When I was back in Connecticut for Thanksgiving last month, I read a story in the paper that this project, “Operation Overflow,” was still going on and that it had recently found a permanent home in an empty/closed hospital. What a blessing.

My idea about sleeping outside at least one night per month was not about learning about the plight of those who are housing insecure. It had more to do with my love of camping, my desire to be close to nature, the challenge of a discipline that would take me through the whole year, the self confidence gained in sleeping alone in the out of doors, and just the stunt of it. I guess I like stunts.

Some of the nights I spent while on backpacking trips. Those trips included several nights in a row of solo camping on the AT. Of course, there are few occasions, these days, that you can actually sleep by yourself in a shelter or campsite on the AT- it has become a popular venue and so, in this year there was just one night on the AT that I was fully alone. It was a night of pouring rain and I was by myself at a campsite just off of the trail having heard that afternoon about some crazy guy who was wandering up and down the trail with a machete trying to intimidate hikers by circling their tents at night brandishing his knife. Yikes. Fortunately, I didn’t meet this guy.

Most of my nights outside in 2022 were in our own back woods and a few of them were honestly, just yards from the back door of our house. We live on a lot that is fully wooded in the back and there are lots of great spots to pop up a tent. In fact, stay tuned in 2023 for stories of the hermitage/retreat/micro-cabin/”she-shed” that I am building (or having built) for some space for writing/reading/yoga/prayer.

There is a feeling when one crawls into one’s tent and zips the zipper up and around, of peace, snugness, tranquility, compact-ness. It’s a great feeling to slide down into the sleeping bag and listen to the sounds of nature. I’ve heard owls, the patter of chipmunks, squirrels, groundhogs and the Boiling Springs train, far off. The wind knocks tree branches together in the canopy above me. The crows announce dawn. One morning (May? June?) the spotted lantern flies let loose their sticky spray (my childhood friend David who is a tree expert tells me that it was “lanternfly excrement”) and I spent the morning washing my tent in a bathtub of soapy water. Gross.

It has been a cushy, “glamping” experience, to be honest. Most nights I’ve had an inflatable mattress between me and the tent floor, big bed pillows, and internet access on my phone so I could read. I’ve been able to gain easy access in the morning to my coffee machine to press “brew,” and, although I’ve taken advantage of the cover of darkness to pee in the yard at 3 AM, a hot shower and big fluffy towels were just steps away. Pretty sweet.

And so, what did I learn? I learned the lesson of discipline. I became more aware of my natural surroundings. I learned that I can be afraid and that I will survive. (back yard camping is not scary, but camping with the threat of a machete-bearing menace is scary). I learned that I can put my tent up in less than 5 minutes. I learned a hard lesson about lantern flies and their bodily functions. I learned that a hot shower and a soft bed on the night after outside camping is always relished. I was reminded of my privilege.

While I do not think that I will work to sleep outside on any kind of schedule in 2023, I will continue to enjoy the occasional night out of doors under the stars and counting fireflies as they light up the night.

I’m onto other challenges for next year and will be sharing news of them in posts to come.

Merry Christmas.

Well, you can go home again-

but there will be trees missing and new traffic lights.

We did the 700 mile round trip to Connecticut this week for Thanksgiving at my brother’s house. He’s a great cook and graciously agreed to host 15 of us who found his Northwest Connecticut home to be the middle place between our starting points in Pennsylvania, Maine, Boston, and southern Connecticut. My brother lives just 10 minutes away from the town in which my husband and I lived and raised our family for 30 years in the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s… and my other brother lives right down the street from our old house. Just a stone’s throw away from our old village of Collinsville (a sweet old mill town on the river) is the larger town of Farmington where we all lived together in our growing-up years.

Our Thanksgiving group was made the better with the addition of my brothers’ partners, a niece and three nephews, my brother’s partners’ daughter and her boyfriend, my sister, my son, my sister’s husband, and sweet “Hamlet” (otherwise known as “Brownie,”) a French bulldog.

The table was full: two turkeys, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes- everything that you’d expect, with some nice seasonal additions like broccoli casserole and roasted whole carrots, and one “interloper item:” a saffron rice dish with orange peel, almonds and cranberries. (I made that.)

We had pie and listened to a playlist that my nephew had lovingly curated and titled “Old People Music” with plenty of Little Feat, Crosby Stills and Nash, Bonnie Raitt and James Taylor. We laughed at clips that we called up on the giant tv screen from some of our favorite movies – “My mama would say, ‘Harlan Pepper, if you don’t stop namin’ nuts’…” (Best in Show). We drank Old Fashioneds and wine and laughed.

We went for a walk in a nature preserve. The rain stopped and delivered a beautiful rainbow.

It was just right.

On the morning of the second day, my hubby and I took a drive to our old town. It’s a strange sensation- I can’t quite put my finger on it. Driving down the street where we lived for so long I felt disconsolate. Wistful. The house- a 1920s red bungalow- looked ok. The hedge between “our” yard and the neighbors had grown huge and unruly. The copper rain chain that I had reluctantly left in place on the front right corner of the house was gone. The brick patio still needed to be leveled and repaired, and the hemlock in the back yard that was one half of our hammock support had been cut down. I gathered all of these observations silently as my husband drove us slowly down the narrow neighborhood road. Good news: the maple tree that we planted just before we moved in the front yard was doing well.

We wandered around the small town, first skirting its perimeter- we drove past the town dump, that Saturday morning gathering place where all important community news is shared; we drove over the newly restored town bridge (the historic 1895 truss bridge had been removed for a couple of years for repair and had recently been reinstalled), and we were sad to see a new 8-foot tall fence blocking access to the river underneath the bridge. That spot had long been a favorite swimming hole on hot summer nights. It was a rite of passage to jump off the bridge into the water below, though not particularly safe.

We drove through town observing the new traffic light at the crossroad and went up the steep and winding hill to the town cemetery, my favorite place to view the sleepy village that squats at the river’s edge. Some day I will be buried in that cemetery.

It’s a strange thing in an hour’s drive to entertain memories, observe changes, and reflect on the narrowing window of time left in one’s life. There is, in this retrospective, the remembering of misteps, the recognition of rewards, the living with decisions that we made in good faith, and a few “what ifs?” There is the bond of our life together that was crafted somewhat haphazardly- though some might want to call it “Spirit led.” There is an appreciation, now, for the friendships, strength, and vitality of our younger years that we did not fully understand as precious, then. And there is regret at some shortness of vision, and an occasional yielding to convention when a different way might have been better.

I think, in all of it, that we did the best we could. And life, in return, was gracious and generous.

We did “go home.” And, we will be back. But there are still many miles to go before we sleep. Grandchildren on a different coast. Hikes to take, gardens to plant, beaches to walk. So much, yet, to unfold.

on day 76

I did the thing.

The 75 Hard thing.

Mine was modified, so, for those of you who have done the REAL 75 Hard, forgive me. I did the “Soft 75.”

For 75 days in a row (no cheating, no skipping) I did these 5 things:

  1. Drank a gallon of water each day

2. Followed a vegan diet and had no alcoholic drinks

3. Exercised once per day (that’s the “soft” part- in a REAL 75 Hard, you exercise TWICE per day.)

4. Engaged in a session of study and prayer (“REAL” 75 has you read 15 pages of a non-fiction book each day; I did bible study and Morning Prayer each day instead)

5. Took a progress photo.

Here’s the bad news: other than the 18 pounds that I shed, I feel the same.

The water was the hardest part. Running to the bathroom every fifteen minutes is a hassle. My skin isn’t plumper, my wrinkles haven’t disappeared, I don’t feel more energetic.

It’s not hard for me to not drink, though I will admit to timing this experiment to allow some imbibing at Thanksgiving. (I started on Sept 6). We’ve been eating vegan in our household for 11 months now, so that was a breeze. The weight loss came from not drinking and a more intentional pattern of more-veggies-fewer-starchy-carbs. The 75 Hard protocol has you choose your own diet. Just no cheating, or you go back to Day 1.

I am good for a morning walk each day, and on the weekends, a hike or afternoon stroll with hubby. I’ve been back at the gym for about a month, now, in the mornings; it is too dark and cold out there now for a walk, and I’ve got a new fitness focus on trying to rebuild some muscle. I’m training for a long hike with my daughter in April. So regular exercise was not too hard for me. 75 days without a rest day, though, was a little bit of a challenge. There was one day when I left the house at 6:30 in the morning to get to an appointment (skipping the gym that morning) and did not get home until 8:30 PM that night after all of my engagements… and, in my suit and stockings, put on my sneakers as soon as I got home and headed out for a dark walk. That was the only rough day.

The progress photos were humiliating and I’ve deleted them all.

75 Hard is supposed to yield physical benefits but, even more, it is supposed to build endurance, self confidence, discipline and make you feel like a million bucks.

I feel like half a million, I guess, and, honestly, I don’t think that if I added another workout per day, that it would have made a giant difference.

Learning? Take aways? I’m always up for a challenge. I thrive on them. I already lead a pretty disciplined life. I love Morning Prayer and this was a great tool to get me to commit regularly to the discipline of daily scripture study. (You might think that daily scripture study is a given for someone in my position, but the truth is that unless you get up at 4:15- which I do now- the day gets away from you and your calendar fills up.)

This has given me a chance to take back some control of my life from the exciting demands of my position which, if I let it, would keep me busy 24/7. It is important to name some of the priorities for yourself and what makes you thrive… and then build the rest around that. A healthy diet, exercise and prayer is important to me.

A gallon of water each day, drunk to the point that (as my grandmother would say) “makes my back teeth float?” Not so much.

Day 76 today. Welcome Happy Morning.

2023 test run

If you know me, you know that I love a challenge. There is something about setting some goals, and trying new behavior patterns for a time that I find invigorating and a doorway to spiritual growth.

In the past I have taken on the challenge of training for and running five different marathons and two duathlons. The training alone was challenging and, as one running friend told me, she likes to think of the actual races as the “victory laps.” My running days are over, I think, but I still love the feeling of coming home from a run (the actual running? Not so much.)

I’ve taken on lots of different dietary challenges through the years, too- multiple 21-day cleanses, juice protocols, a year of vegetarianism (2002), a year of No Alcohol (2020) and, most recently, a year of Veganism (2022).

Right now I am finishing up a version of “75 Hard,” a protocol that demands a strict adherence to a workout-dietary-study-wellness protocol for 75 days in a row. I’m on Day 69, today. (To be honest, I’ll be glad when, on Day 71 I can drop the “gallon of water a day” part of this challenge and resume a more natural 8 glasses per day regime! My bladder is fully flushed, I can assure you!)

In concert with my love of hiking and the out-of-doors, I’ve taken to having a 5-day solo hiking retreat on the Appalachian trail each year, and in 2022 I resolved to sleep outside at least one night per month (a few of those have been in my tent in the back woods but.. they still count! I loved my Jan 2022 camp out in the snow!)

All of this is to say that in the eleventh month of the year, I am already looking ahead to 2023 and setting my sights on the next challenge.

One of the ideas that I have is to respond to both a spiritual and practical nudge that I have been feeling for some time: I want to simplify. I’ve long been fascinated with tiny-house living. I don’t think that is exactly what I (we) need -we’ve joked that if we had TWO tiny houses, we might be able to make it work- but I am interested in cleaning out closets, shedding extra stuff that I’ve been toting around for decades and paring down to the essentials. You’ve probably heard of something called “Swedish Death Cleaning” https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/The-Gentle-Art-of-Swedish-Death-Cleaning/Margareta-Magnusson/9781501173240 and everyone has heard of Marie Kondo’s de-cluttering method that got us talking to our clothes, thanking them for their service, rolling t-shirts up into tidy origami shapes, and evaluating items in our various collections depending on whether or not they “spark joy.”https://konmari.com

I’ve been carrying around a lot of stuff for years. Our girls’ prom dresses (our girls are in their 30s, now). Our son’s bottle collection from grade school. My father’s broken wooden paint box. More than 100 white dinner plates. A crystal cake plate with giant glass dome. Kitchen gadgets that lie, unused, in drawers and cabinets. A teapot collection. Salt dishes. Liqueur glasses. You get it.

If we are ever going to “get small” and “simplify” in our (eventual) retirement, then a year of sorting through, donating, and shedding might be in order. I think of the refugee families that might benefit from a few dozen dinner plates! The young folks who might be able to alter an early 2000s prom dress and get some use out of it. People who are in the process of setting up a household who would benefit from those “occasional” items that we drag out for entertaining: platters, dishes, table linen.

There are some things that I will not part with: my mother’s Tiffany pins from her engagement and wedding, my grandmother’s teapot entrusted to me by my mother, a family heirloom oil painting of Blackhead on Monhegan, my cast iron skillet, my tattered Book of Common Prayer and the bible that got me through seminary. A few things like that.

I’m starting with an easy project. A test-run for what is ahead in 2023’s year of simplifying: the great pocketbook giveaway.

On Saturday I cleaned out the guest room closet and shed 12 pocketbooks, all headed to their glory at Goodwill. I loved each of these bags, but I just don’t need them. I have a lovely new bag that will serve me well for many occasions, and I saved two evening bags (one black patent leather and another pink quilted one) for those nights at the opera or fancy weddings- all of which are too far and few between. I also saved my large brown leather “doctor’s bag” that I bought in Florence more than 20 years ago while traveling with my mom and sister. It’s a keeper. The rest can serve happily in someone else’s good hands.

So, for now, I’m a dozen pocketbooks lighter. Stay tuned for 2023!

three things

Three things my mother taught me:

About Diane Arbus

How to iron a shirt

The rhyming scheme of a sonnet.

This is not an exhaustive list of imparted wisdom, but in these recent days I’ve been thinking about my mom as I wander through my own life; these are moments of recollection that make me feel like I am stepping on her shadow.

What have I taught my own children?

How to ice a cake

Where the silverware belongs in a table setting

That Moses did not write the Pentateuch and David did not write (all) the psalms.

I pray that this is not an exhaustive list.  I am glad that I’m not yet reduced to a shadow, and that I have time to teach other things, like:

How to make a flaky pie crust

How to love yourself

How to trust that God loves us, no matter what.

I’m still working on those three things.  

I’m coming closer on the pie crust.

Fourth quarter thoughts on veganism

sweet potatoes, black lentils and scallions with a miso glaze. So good!

Lately, I’ve been looking to the end of the year and anticipating the completion of my year of following a vegan diet. People have asked me if I will continue to eat this way or if I will celebrate 2023 with a cheeseburger and fries. Some days, that cheese burger sounds pretty great… and other days it makes me squeamish. See, I think that some of my thoughts and feelings about feeding off of animals have changed… but all of my taste buds haven’t, necessarily. I love the taste of long-smoked, tender BBQ brisket. The thought of eating eggs (chicken fetuses in the making) grosses me out. There’s nothing like a warm beef or lamb stew with a cloud of whipped potatoes on a cold winter night. And, drinking cow’s milk, knowing that calves are separated from their mothers at birth so the lactating moms can benefit the dairy industry and feed us instead of their babies- makes me sad.

I am not sure what the health benefits are that I have enjoyed in these 10 months of eating a vegan diet. I already had low blood pressure and a low, steady heart rate. My weight has increased in the last 10 months, but that has more to do with the summer’s gin&tonics and “vacation abandon” than the vegan lifestyle. I have been eating more carbs than are good for me, but that’s always been my Achilles heel. (who doesn’t love bread, rice, pasta, couscous and bread? Oh, bread, too…Did I mention bread? Homemade bread with butter, French bread, whole grain bread, oatmeal bread, pita bread, naan, brioche, sourdough…etc ). My energy is really good, but.. it always has been. My sleeping is great… but, I’ve always been a good sleeper. My skin is the same, not better or worse. I don’t have a super-vegan “glow” about me, but I don’t think I look pallid, either.

What have I missed?

Fish.

Cheese.

And some of the long-simmered, homey, comfort foods that I love to prepare and eat: chicken pot pie (the “real” kind, with a crust), pot roast, apple pie (crust made with butter).

I have missed all sorts of shellfish that we usually eat in the summer like clams and mussels and oysters, fresh haddock with buttery breadcrumbs on top.

And, I’ve missed some “fun foods” that just aren’t as good in their vegan equivalents- like pizza and ice cream.

There is NO good vegan cheese. None.

I have enjoyed some great meals in these past 10 months and the creativity in vegan cooking- even with its limited options- is exciting. I’ve done a lot of “ethnic cooking”: Indian, Middle Eastern, Thai, Japanese, some African stews… there’s so much wonderful vegan food that comes from outside the American diet. We’ve always enjoyed cooking and eating from around the globe, but in this year, I’ve been leaning more towards Indian and Asian cuisines.

So, there’s no plan yet- for 2023. And maybe we’ll just see what evolves without any strict rules about what we will or will not eat.

The environmental and ethical reasons for following a vegan diet echo in my mind and are persuasive. The supposed health benefits of following a vegan diet (better blood work, lower weight, etc) are probably a good idea for someone in their mid- 60s. And I need to remind myself of these things when that idea of a plate of brisket looms in front of me.

So, we’ll see. I don’t think that it’ll be meat, veg and starch X3 meals/day beginning on Jan 1. I don’t see many sausage egg and cheese biscuits in my future. But a bowl of real ice cream? A wedge of sharp cheddar? Linguine with clam sauce and some grated parmegiano reggiano? yum.

More later on this, no doubt.

Cheers.

Morning Walk. On Turning 64.

I know, I look a little peculiar:

Leggings, sweatshirt, baseball cap-

            (That’s the acceptable part)

Headlamp, fanny pack, walking stick

            (that’s the peculiar part)

I’m not in the woods, after all,

I am finishing my morning walk in suburbia.

But I started out before the sun was up and so:

Headlamp to see.

Fanny pack to carry my water and phone

Walking stick to beat off goblins in the dark should they assail me.

Today I turn 64.

The 60s are a strange time for women.

It feels like the invisible decade- 

            between active professional 

            and

            kindly soft grandma.

I round the bend,

now in full daylight,

and see the girl.

She’s about 13 or 14,

standing at the end of her driveway waiting for the bus.

She has colt-like legs and big knees, all visible because on this chilly fall day she is wearing shorts. Short shorts.

Her long chestnut hair, brushed all shiny, falls in front of her face.

She looks down, her eyes trained on her phone.

Her thumbs are madly texting.

I don’t know if she sees me.

She’s very busy.

But she may be texting,

“The crazy lady from the neighborhood is walking by.”

I want to say,

“Young woman, lift your head.

Be strong.

There is a whole wonderful life ahead of you.”

There is great promise.